I was helping a male customer buy a ROC pass today over the phone. His password was hula dance. Thus, my conversation, "So you want to put in your student number, then 'hula dance' to get in." Then a mental image of what I just said floated to my mind. A grown-a white man in a grass skirt awkwardly hula dancing around. I had to stop and take a calming breath.

This one time my friend Liz was helping a customer at the Fine Arts center. She was confirming her contact information to verify it was the right account. Liz, in her serious-professional-i'm working-voice goes, "So the email we have down is Iheartwolvz. Is that correct?"

The girl goes bright red and mutters out a, "Yes."

Continuing in her no nonsense way, Liz says, "And that is wolvz spelled with a Z?"

The girl is visibly cringing and only manages a nod.

Sometimes my job is really funny.

Please, for your own sake, pick normal passwords and email addresses. As there is a high chance that that quirky phrase you picked in the solace of your home office, will be read back to you by a customer service employee trying desperately not to snicker.

It is interesting how often threads of life coincide together and form twine that twists it's way into a rope that leads up to another ledge of learning. Today I was talking to my roommates about the sex trade and how someone can take the humanity away from another person. How does a person get to that point where they can choose to take the purest form of our Godliness away from another person. A person has a right to use that as they will. I do believe that their are moral absolutes as to when that should be used that apply to everyone, whether they believe in it or not. But the point is that they should still have a choice. Then I went and saw divergent today. Cheesy but it made me think. It made me think hard. There is a simulator in the film that generates a field of your worst fears. Trish's last fear, the worst fear that lies deepest in your heart, was of her boyfriend raping her. What was specifically different about this fear compared to the rest, is that this threat is not physically endangering to your body per say; rather it is a danger to your identity as a human. That fear goes so far beyond all the other fears as it signifies losing your agency so far that you lose the right of one of the most significant choices we as human beings are given in this life. A choice that qualifies our basic humanity while being indicative of our divine nature of godliness. You strip away this choice, this characteristic, this right as a human and spirit child of God then you have truly ripped away at the soul.

Another point they touched on was agency. A leader of one of the groups was acting on a conviction that the nature of man was the enemy, so for anyone to have their agency it would lead to disruption of the peace. Okay, it's true that "The natural man is an enemy of God, and will be forever and ever." But, luckily for us we are not made up of just the natural man. We are children of God and have been blessed with attributes of Him. The mixture of these good and bad characteristics are what make us so beautiful as human beings. We have the choice to choose good over evil, which hopefully we do every time. But it's beautiful that sometimes we don't and that things can get screwed up. That sounds like a contradiction of what I said in the previous paragraph, but something can be beautiful and terrible at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I prefer that the choices we make that that screw things up, are small menial things that don't have a terrible impact on a large scale. But there still is beauty in the right of a human to make that choice for themselves. I think I understand more fully the plan that the Father proposed in the premortal existence.

I walked away basking in the beauty of humanity, glorying in the blessing of agency. My heart was open to feeling every emotion that came with my humanity. I left feeling fearless of heartbreak, doubt, love, pain and confusion. I may never have felt as open to embrace life and all of it's experiences that come with humanity as I was at that moment. I may never have felt so blessed with my ability to make choices as I did at that moment. Honestly, at this point in my life what I desire and fear most is a relationship. I left feeling fearless of that, even if it failed. That experience is a part of humanity, thus it is beautiful. My heart was open, my desire pure. I left that theater feeling passion for life. Something that we as humans often turn off to protect ourselves against the pain and heartbreak that passion can lead to. We lead shallow, calculating lives. There is something beautiful in a person that leaves the passion on and the heart open to embrace all that this life on earth has to offer.

Lately, I've had such a desire to feel spiritual things. The world can get so overwhelming, demanding and demeaning. I'll be on the internet and a strong desire to get away from all media, to enjoy the silence completely overwhelms me. I yearn for the comforting words and feelings that bring solace to my soul. I am loved. I am of value. I am not just what the world wants of me. I feel such an immense pressure to be gorgeous, shapely and flawless. Especially as a Exercise Science major. I am getting more in shape and I feel great. But it so so difficult to balance that healthiness with the need to be sexy and fit as the world expects. I see how women in the media are displayed as sexual objects and feel the pressure put on me to be one of them. I feel anger, disgust, frustration and the demoralization of my own worth. The media tells us that is what men expect, that is what other women expect, that is what I should expect. It tells us to view other women as competition. When I meet another woman I immediately start comparing myself to her. We are not competition. We are sisters. I struggle remembering that there are good men. Good men that I can trust that don't just want to use my body and the pleasures it offers to them. I find my mistrust of them, leads me to mistrust myself. Because as a woman, I want to be desired by men. It's natural. But I want to be beautiful to them, not to be lusted after. I want be seen as so much more. Because I am SO MUCH MORE. I forget that I am. I sometimes find that appearance occupies my thoughts, consumes my day. I forget that I am a girl that likes to camp, loves to read, fish, paint, and million things before what my appearance tells me. I have to consciously turn away, turn it off and believe in my value as a woman of God. Turn off the consumerism, turn off the commercialism, turn off the comparison. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it OFF.

After spinning class today I was in the girls locker room changing into normal clothes, jamming to Beyonce. You know, the ushe. I put on my leggings and flannel button up, lumberjack style today, and walked over to the mirror. I looked in it, then did a double take. A handprint, in bright red paint, had somehow found it's way onto my booty!

I wore those leggings to a paint dance party a month or so ago, and apparently someone got a little touchy on my tushy. I have absolutely no recollection of when that could have happened. Creepy, mysterious groper, creepy. And somehow, out of all the paint I was covered in, that hand print was the lone survivor of the wash cycle?? Really?!

So, don't worry, I walked around BYU campus for a good four hours with a bright red handprint on my bum. Luckily, my shirt was long. 

I had a conversation with someone who said it took her twenty three years to really understand that the woman pictured in magazines are not raw images. That that standard women are held to these days isn't realistic. That she is beautiful how she is, and doesn't have to strive towards impossible standards to be acceptable. That she doesn't have to be a size 2, wearing perfect makeup, and complacent about everything to feel good about herself and have a man to like her.

Yes, I specifically said "a man". A real man respects a woman as his equal partner and see beauty as something that lays largely below the surface. Boys see beauty just on the surface. I was at a grocery store with a bunch of my guy friends the other day. Me and another guy went off to find something and we came back to a story. A girl had come up to one of the boys in the group and gave him her number on a napkin. When my friend asked if she was cute, he simply replied, "No." Really? I find that hard to believe. If a girl is bold enough to give her number to a boy she finds attractive, she has to have some confidence going in the looks category. Doesn't she even get some bravery points in his book? Her confidence in and of itself should at least make him a little gracious towards her. He didn't even give her that. It was like, why are YOU giving your number to ME. Needless to say, my opinion of this boy sunk a bit. Some boys can just be so darn picky about looks. Straight up shallow. I walk around campus and I'd say 99% of the girls are pretty. The guys here just seem to treat them like they're nothing. If they don't meet their beauty standards they don't even give them a chance.

Okay, so the viewpoint at BYU isn't as bad as it could be. What worries me, is that this type of attitude is a gateway that leads to a much worse one. Did you know that 1 in 5 women have been a victim of sexual assault or rape? Truth. Horrible truth. India's Central Bureau of Investigation said if rape can't be prevented it should be enjoyed. Say what?? Oh, but that's India, right. It's better here. We don't support violence and objectification of women. Hmmmn.

Here are some ads that may change your mind.

Real published ads. (except the last one, which is a meme going around facebook)

We need to band together as a people and FIGHT IT. Especially as women! If we don't respect ourselves and each other, it just gives males license to do the same. It also gives males license to judge our worth based on looks. When I was in Alaska, a news story came up on CNN. I was taking a break at Safeway with two male coworkers. We were watching the news strory, when the female newscaster said something one of my coworkers didn't agree with. Immediately he started making fun of how she looked. By making a joke of her, he was trying to invalidate what she was saying because according to him, her makeup looked clown-like. When called him out on it, saying he wouldn't have mentioned looks if it was a man, he went off about me being a crazy feminist. But it was true. That is what he was doing. I knew it and he knew it. This type of behavior, belittling what women have to say by making mention of their looks, is unacceptably common.

"Remember when Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner used the words 'large posterior' and 'big butt' to describe Michelle Obama's behind? Although he apologized afterwards, it hasn't stopped many other prominent Republicans from commenting on women's bodies. Whether it's the size of Nancy Pelosi's head or Hillary Clinton's 'cankles,' it's time that conservative men (and Democrats too) finally butt out (pun intended) of the business of women's looks.

Why does this sexism in politics matter? Because it can cost a candidate her race. A study conducted in 2010 found that when a female candidate was attacked with chauvinistic language, she lost twice as much support as an attack without sexist undertones, even when the language was largely toned down.

So sexism doesn't just hurt our feelings, it can harm our electoral potential too. And it's discrimination. This kind of below-the-belt attacks should never be tolerated in a modern society that treats everyone equally. Keep it classy. Attack us on our ideas, not our gender."  (Quote found on this article)

Case in point. I recommend this article and extend the title of "Republican Men" to "Every Person" as this language is present from both genders of all political parties. Key moments from the article also include when Greg Abbott referred to Wendy Davis as a "retarded barbie" or Todd Akin's comment about "legitimate rape".

LETS STOP IT PEOPLE. 

Stop with the negative comments! Lets even stop a second and think before we give women compliments about their looks. I get sick of hearing about how skinny I've gotten. I love my curves! It's like people are trying to condition a "good behavior" of weight loss by rewarding me with vocal praise. First off, step off. Second, I am so much more that my looks! If all we do is praise women about their looks soon that's all the value they will see in themselves. This video is an incredible slam poem about "shrinking women"

I love so many things about this video. 

Can't we all just stop saying sorry before we offer up our opinion or a question!?

Instead of all these negative stereotypes, labels, names and standards being constantly forced on women:

• Let us be remember that a group of female senators including Elizabeth Warren were key to the final deal that ended the government shutdown. 

• Let us reject the idea that every girl is a princess and say instead that every girl is an inventor! This is the most spectacular ad. If I had a daughter. I would totally buy her this. (My view on princesses, gender stereotypes and compliments about looks that flood young girls is a whole other blog post I won't go into) 

• Let us encourage men to be like John Legend who declared himself a feminist then said, "All men should be feminists. If men care about women's rights the world will be a better place [...] We are better off when women are empowered — it leads to a better society." He then followed saying that he admires and doesn't fear strong women. Which I really cheered at because I have been told several times that I "intimidate guys because you are strong and that is why you don't get asked out on dates, honey." Thankss for that..

• Let us remember this video and give it the cheers it deserves for opening up a conversation:

Included in this, let us also remember that though Miley Cyrus behaved in an explicit way, so did Robin Thicke, especially as a married man, twice her age.

• And because I'm a Beyonce enthusiast (I held her hand, story to come later), lets remember that Queen Bey said this, "I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I'm just a woman and I love being a woman."

I picked and chose from this article.

Here are some more things I've been reading and watching lately:

Ellen's comments on Abercrombie and Fitch

Pantene's commercial about labels

Classic beauties in art get photoshopped

This Off-Duty Cop Proves What Young Women Know About Who's Really to Blame For Rape

Steubenville Trial: Why Does CNN Think Watching Rapists Get Convicted is "Difficult to Watch"?

Educate Coaches About Sexual Assault

Tell LEGO to stop selling out girls! #LiberateLEGO

Victoria's Seceret War on Woman, Nothing Sexy about it

More than a body? PROVE it

The Guys' Guide to Seeing Woman, Not Objects

Physically Photoshopping Ourselves Out of Reality

You'll notice that a fair amount of these links are from Beauty Redefined. I love this blog. They have so many good insights and articles.

I had to write a gratitude paper for my Mind/Body class. We had to list one hundred things we were grateful for and write a paragraph about each. Mine was mostly food related and outdoors related. There were even a couple of good food and outdoor interactions listed. 

Glad to know where my mind is focused.