"There are people that say all these things don't happen and there are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I'm here. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song, on that drive, with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I've been reminiscing about the past recently. I always do that during Fall. This season was always a romanticized time for me. There were crisp nights with the buzz of football games and hot chocolate from 7-11. There were brand new blue jeans, cozy sweaters from DI, and thick wool socks inside moccasins. There was always girl's nights with plenty of cookie dough, new love interests, corn mazes with the Young Women, and the Halloween dance. There was the Shakespeare festival, where I found excitement in performing for the first time or rediscovered the feeling after a long summer hiatus. Right after the festival was the trip to Cedar City where adventure happened on the bus, during the parties in the hotel room, through antm photo shoots and whilst wandering around the city (the Pastry Pub and All a Dollar). Inexplicable bonding occurred as we gathered in the grove outside the theater before we performed our ensemble scene on stage. We found our oneness and defined our energy. After we kicked butt, we sat in the audience and took notes at the, somewhat strange and often inaccurate, interpretations other schools did of Shakespeare scenes.
I believe I had a lot better high school experience than most people. I found a place where I belonged, where people loved me despite and because of my faults. I learned how to care about things besides myself, and what it was like to love someone with all your heart. I discovered what it was like to be a small part of a whole. To appreciate and love each individual person that made up that whole. I learned what true friendship was about and how to keep the youth in myself alive.
Fall reminds me of this lost time where life was simpler. School was easy, friends were close by, money wasn't an issue, and the future seemed distant.
Fall hasn't been so great this year. Fine, but not great. I realized it's because none of that exists for me right now. School is kicking my butt, my best friend is in Taiwan, money is tight and the future looms, menacingly in front of me. One thing I am learning through this, however, is that it's okay. It's fine that my favorite season has been rather lonely instead of enthralling as it has been in past years. It's fine that I'm not the same person I was back then or even a couple months ago. I feel like many of my hopes and aspirations have flipped a complete 180. Really, at first I was kind of in denial, finding validations for these changes. They are silly, prideful things that really no one cares about but me. Like me probably not wanting to live in Seattle anymore. I've been obsessed with that city since I was sixteen. Big change in a silly goal. Took me a while to admit that simple thing to myself. And I finally came out to myself that I hate Winter. I would even, probably sacrifice Fall if it meant I didn't have to have a winter. Oh, I'm changing my major again. Art just is wrong for me. I'm one class away from getting a minor. One required art history class and a painting class which I want to take. But if I want to graduate as soon as possible it adds another six credits, so a spring semester. I'm deciding if my desire to minor in art, a minor that's not relevant at all to what I'm doing, is just me trying to validate all the time I spent trying to get in the program. I can still take the painting class and not have to add on another spring semester but I wouldn't get the title without taking that stupid last art history credit. I would be doing it for the title, I'm pretty sure of it. I realized too that I was buying a little into the pretentious hipster mulch or, rather, what it represents. I've more or less been trying to mold myself into a certain group of friends. I guess I've been trying hard to keep my relationships with people and the social aspirations I had last year the exact same. But it's not the same, and I've realized that now. It can't be the same. I also had a brief stint of viewing my worth through the eyes of others. I was kind of focused on presenting the coolest Joni I could online. That's stupid. I can't believe I fell into that. How immature of me. How selfish of me. I've realized the pettiness of all of it and let it go. A lot happened in two months. I think what happened is that after Ally left I went to the ranch, but that was so far from reality that I just pushed life aside for three months. Now, I've been trying to adjust fully for the first time since Ally left six months ago. I'm back in Provo, back at school without someone who I was basically attached at the hip with for three years. It has been and still is a big readjustment time period. I feel like now that I've realized that this is an adjustment period, I can recover.
Ally always says to me when I'm struggling, that when she first met me Freshman Year she thought, "This is the most confident girl I've ever met. I want to be as confident as her." Which is ridiculous cause Ally is awesome. But going back to the past again, I think there is some truth to her claim. Since fourth grade, when I decided that the whole concept of being one of the "popular" kids was dumb, a large part of my personal development has been spent cultivating the confidence I have in myself and not letting those kids get to me. And can I just say I watched friends try, literally for years, to be part of the group, while I watched on the sideline shaking my head. Then, in High School, I got into Advanced Theatre and found a really secure place where I was home. So yeah I knew who I was, where I belonged and didn't let anyone tell me otherwise. That got shaken up quite a bit when I started BYU. I was in a much larger world where I no longer was a member of advanced theater. I didn't have that immovable group of people supporting me everyday. Most people didn't know and honestly didn't care who I was or what I'd experienced in my life thus far. I got lost in the change and went through some really hard times. I held on to the shell of my old self but mostly I was overwhelmed. Over the past three and a half years I've been able to re-invent myself through these experiences, largely in the same model, but with some improvements. I am striving to get back to that place where I am unbelievably confident in my capabilities, my experiences, my purpose, and my worth. It's taking time but I'm working through the confusion trying to find clarity.
Sometimes during times of change, you see only darkness. I decided, however, that change is good. Without trying times or "adjustment times" there would be no progression. And that is why we are here. So, I can reminisce fondly, maybe even take time to mourn a bit of the past. But then I must move bravely forward, even though slight misgivings with regards to my footing may be present. It will all work out. Life is good. Here's one for trusting in team God.
If you made it through this monster, nostalgic, confessional post of word vomit to myself, I commend you.
